Fight better and love more
It takes courage and vulnerability. And some guidance. We can navigate conflict together.
How It Works Successfully
My unique approach to conflict resolution has heart wrapped in every moment. Through slowing down, attunement to nonverbals, tracking the words as well as total talk time, sifting through judgments with an ear for the needs beneath the poke, I help people hear the other person's pain, as well as their own language that contributes to disconnection.
Traditional mediation focuses on issues and often results in compromise - where both parties share the resentment 50/50. When I mediate I ensure that we focus on the primal human needs of each party, and use those needs as a launchpad to co-create strategies that work for both sides.
We don't move on until each person understands the meaning of what is said by the other ...
We never compromise our human needs ...
We don't give up until we've found requests that both parties' can fully say yes to ...
This patience, deep listening, and widening back are what make my mediations so successful.
Choose from the restorative practices menu below.
Persisting vs. Demanding
Persisting is the relentless quest for needs. If I’m persisting, I’m not giving up on my needs, perhaps my own or ours. Demanding has a fixed attention on strategies (my way!). Persisting has a quality of patience to it, like taking a stand and not giving up. I want my life to have this quality to it, these needs matter to me, so I'm here, steady, focused, patient, and honest about what's important to me.
Demanding feels anxious in its belief that something is urgent or fading. Perhaps I'm worried you won't hear me or care about my needs and then I'll be alone so I make demands as my best attempt at getting my needs met. Of course, it's more difficult to access my creative solution-finding when I feel scared and rushed.
So how do we know and express this valuable life quality to ourselves and others? What gets in the way? How do we persist and not demand?
Restorative Practices Menu
The following is a selection for when someone is experiencing tension or conflict. The order of these practices is from least to most human resources required.
Self-Empathy: You may practice private self connection as a method of transforming the pain you are experiencing. This could be quiet, said aloud, or written down.
Empathic Presence: You may ask for someone else's empathic presence (not from whom you are in conflict with) in order to help you self connect.
1-on-1 Conversation: If both people are willing and confident in their ability to resolve the conflict with each other directly, they may each try to self-express one at a time in hopes of understanding.
Supported 1-on-1 Conversation: This is the same as a 1-on-1 Conversation, but in the presence of third person. This third person contributes their presence as needed to support reconciliation, from silent witnessing to active mediation.
Group Process: When a person experiencing or impacted by a conflict sees it as necessary for others to be present to address the conflict, they may initiate a group process, such as a Restorative Circle, a talking circle, or a facilitated group dialogue. Participation in such a process is voluntary for all involved.
Facilitation: During a facilitated dialogue or any group process, the group can designate two people to facilitate and "hold" the circle while tracking Needs of the group along with individual needs. If at any time the facilitators have a sense they are no longer at a place where they can hold the circle, another person can be identified as holding the circle. For example, if the facilitators become triggered or are in need of empathy and support, then a new person can be the facilitator to track the Groups' Needs. Facilitators may check in with the group to see if there is any objection to continuing the current dialogue or to switching to another strategy or offering on the menu.
Restorative Circle: One group process option is a Restorative Circle, involving facilitated Pre-Circles, Circle, and Post-Circle.
Emergent Requests: Someone experiencing pain/disconnect may also simply speak about their needs and make an in-the-moment request for any specific form of support.